We live in a place built on independence. Not just this country. This island, this generation, these lives we've made by figuring it out ourselves. Fix the fence. Handle the paperwork. Get through the winter. There's real dignity in that, and I don't want to talk anyone out of it.
But a foundation built on independence makes two things hard. First, recognizing that we might need a hand. Second, finding the humility to ask for it.
So let's sit with that word for a minute. Humility. What does it actually mean to be humble, and what does it feel like? Is it comfortable, or uncomfortable?
For me it's usually uncomfortable, at least at first. Because the thing standing in the doorway is almost always pride.
I know that feeling well. I can do it myself. There's a little charge to it, a small warmth. And it can be a slippery slope, because pride is easy to confuse with something that looks nearly identical from the outside: rejoicing.
Here's the difference I've learned to watch for. Rejoicing sounds like: I did that thing. I wasn't sure I could, and I did, and it feels good. It's full. It doesn't need anyone else to be smaller.
Pride has a tinge of arrogance to it. It separates. It sounds like: I'm not like those people. Those are the people who need help. I don't need help. I can do this myself. Notice that pride always needs a "those people" to stand across from. Rejoicing never does.
That distinction has been one of the more useful things I've learned, because it gives me something to check. When I catch myself refusing help, I can ask: is this me celebrating what I'm capable of? Or is this me protecting an idea of myself that requires me never to need anyone?
Those are very different reasons to say no. One of them is strength. The other one is a wall, and walls get expensive, usually at the exact moment we can least afford them. The hardest days tend to arrive without an appointment, and they don't care how capable we've been up to then.
I'm not going to tell you to ask for help. That's not mine to decide, and honestly, the asking isn't the first step anyway.
The first step is just looking honestly at your own reasons.
So this post is an offering, not advice. A question to carry around for a few days:
What is it that's stopping you from asking for help in the areas where you might need it?
It's not a bad question to ask yourself. When we get clear on our real reasons for saying yes or no to things, we learn a surprising amount about who we are. And then we get to decide, on purpose, whether it's time to make a change.
No rush. Just look.